How To Take A Shower: A Public Service Announcement for the Young Mother

Step 1: Gather everything you will need into one spot. This includes checking to see if someone has moved your shampoo to the sock drawer or has dropped the soap in the garbage can. Be sure to select clothes that can be thrown on in a hurry.

Step 2: Secure the premises. Small children should be contained in a crib or playpen. Supply them with enough toys and/or board books that they are entertained, but not so many that they are able to construct an edifice enabling them to climb out.
Older children should be instructed not to open the front door under any circumstances. Even if it is Grandma knocking on the door. If the house is on fire, come tell me first, then you can escape. After these instructions have been dispensed, place a baby gate to block the hallway in front of the door, just in case.
Separate all children so they are doing different activities. This way, it is harder to be partners in crime. It is often helpful to put an older child on the toilet with a book. Calvin and Hobbes and Garfield are popular bathroom literature.
Another fine distraction is to pull out a hand-held electronic game. In order to maintain the novelty, this particular game should only be available for the limited time that mom is in the shower. It is imperative that the child not lose interest. Television may also be used, but I prefer to save this resource for dinner-preparation time when I am truly desperate.
Coloring (unless you’ve been trying to convince your husband that it is time to paint and get new furniture), eating snacks (the Heimlich doesn’t perform itself!) or playing with toys that could cause pain when used as projectiles are not recommended activities.

Step 3: Inform the children that the bathroom door will be unlocked so they may communicate with you in an emergency. Make it clear you do not want company in the shower.

Step 4: Once premises are secure RUN to the shower. Hurry! You have approximately 3 minutes before someone starts screaming and your neighbor calls the Department of Family Services. Do not use the ventilation fan as it might prevent you from perceiving screams, crashes or police/ambulance sirens.
You may have to be selective about which parts of your body actually need to be washed, and which parts to save for next time.

Note: Don't get too ambitious in your grooming routine. It will only compound the disappointment that comes when you end up with some kid's snot in your hair and chewed carrots on your shirt five minutes later.